About me


About me... [Beside a theater, in the alley] (Our hero, Gavin, is sitting at the bottom of a staircase, looking like a bum.) Gavin Huh? I am not a bum, I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things. My friends and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? O.k. It was never for easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days sitting on the porch with my family singing and dancing, down in Mississippi...
A Birthday Party... [Inside, at the kitchen table] Mother: Well I hope everybody's good and hungry! Corn bread... Father: Ain't we forgetting something? Mother: No I'm not. Today is Gavin's birthday. All: Happy Birthday! Mother: And I cooked up your favourite meal: tuna fish salad on white bread with mayonnaise, a Tab and a couple of Twinkies. Here darling. *Gavin:* Gee mom, thanks! Elmyra: I got you a present. *Gavin:* Gee Elmyra! Elmyra: I made it myself! Taj: We got you something too. A half bottle of Lilac Vegetal from both of us. Pierre: I drew you this picture. Young Brother: Here! *Gavin:* Thank you! Father: I want you to have my Zippo. *Gavin:* Gee, you've had this since the war. Thanks. Thanks everybody. God bless us, everyone.
A Big Discovery...	[Gavin's bedroom] *Gavin:* (crying) I'm sorry I spoiled the party for everyone. Mother: You didn't spoil the party. I brought you a Twinkie. Gavin: I'm not hungry right now. Mother: Feeling different again, huh? *Gavin:* It's like I feel different. It's like I don't belong here. Mother: It's your birthday, and it's time you knew. Gavin, you're not our natural born child. Gavin: I'm not? Mother: You were left on our doorstep. But we raised you like you were one of us. *Gavin:* You mean I'm going to stay this color? (Gavin cries) Mother: Gavin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass. (Gavin and his mom hug).
A Tearful Goodbye... [Outside, at the side of a barn] (There is a large pile of shit on the ground). Father: Son, now that your going out into the world, there's something you should know. You see that? *Gavin:* Yeah. Father: That's shit. And this: shinola. *Gavin:* Shit, shinola. Father: Son, you're going to be all right. Mother: And remember, the Lord loves a working man. *Gavin:* Lord loves a working man. Father: And son, don't never, ever trust whitey. *Gavin:* Don't trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey. (he hugs his mom)
Mother: Ah baby! *Gavin:* Daddy! (he hugs his dad) *Gavin:* Pierre come here. Don't you forget to grow up now. Father: O.k. Now let the boy go. We got work to do. Mother: And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. Gavin: I will Ma. I know it's out there. Taj: It's out there alright, and if you catch it, see a DOCTOR and get rid of it. *Gavin:* See a doctor and get rid of it. Taj: Good luck. *Gavin:* Good luck. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it. Bye Grandma! (As they walk away, Gavin walks through the shit). *Dialogue adapted from the film "The Jerk" with Steve Martin.